For instance........... one Mother's day I spoke up......not really considering how what I was saying would affect my mom, but I let her know how she hadn't been the most patient person in her life, and I, during this little escapade, hoped that my other family members would chime in and back me up with what I was saying as my mother did have a roughness and frequently a blatant brashness about her and had, on several occasions, been down right mean to me, my sisters and my nieces and nephews. It was at the behest of my therapist that I proceeded to lam blast my mother with my honesty. I was doing what he had encouraged me to do every week.........let mom know how I felt. Set my boundaries. Let her know just what I thought and let her know how what she had said and done had affected me in my life. I wasn't even taking into consideration THAT IT WAS MOTHERS DAY for crying out loud. Nothing like picking the proper time and place. Geez.....what kind of a daughter was I?
Of course, no one backed me up. No one joined in to help me out.
I WONDER WHY?
Seriously............I didn't even THINK!!!!
It took her years to recover from my all out blatancy, and because it took her years, it took US years to be able to talk. She totally shut down. She didn't even look at me the same. She didn't get more close to me. I didn't have a better relationship because of my honesty. There was absolutely NO BENEFIT from my honesty. It made me terribly sad and since then I try to listen to myself and what I think I should say instead of what someone else says would be the best way to handle a situation or what words to use.
Another time I was in a fast and testimony meeting and had the urge, or felt the need to express myself and I remember standing at the pulpit and telling the people I saw each Sunday how hard it was for me to live with my in-laws, and that I wouldn't recommend it to anyone as I didn't have the privacy I'd like.
It wasn't until much later that I really thought about what I had said and recognized how much this may have hurt them, especially as this was expressed to people who had known my in-laws for many years, had worked sided by side, had many dinners and activities with them, knew their kids and their trials in life and I was so honest as to tell these people just how imperfect my mom and pop in-law were. I look back on that event and can hardly believe how ludicrous I was and how self centered and foolish I was being. I didn't express how much they were helping us out. I just expressed how bad I had it. It was only later that I realized what I had done and became embarrassed by my behavior.
I've embarrassed myself far too many times by such thoughtlessness. And, sadly, I can't say I've totally grown up yet. I've let my tongue get the best of me far too many times in my life and that is my nemesis.........MY TONGUE!
What a doof.
It doesn't always take a big person to be honest. Sometimes more is said in silence by holding your tongue and figuring out how to deal with a situation rather than blab your mouth off to the world about how god damn hard your life is.
Oh do I have stories I could tell. I could embarrass the shit out of sooooooooooo many people with the stuff I know about them and how their behavior has affected me and continues to affect me, my life, my thought processes, my behavior, my emotions, my everything.
But what would that help my situation? How would I grow? How would that help those I love grow? What good would it do me or them?
We all have it hard. I've been through a lot of shit in my life and don't go blabbing to the world how fucked up my life is because of the selfishness of someone else even though there's been a lot of that! I know I'm fucked up. I know I've fucked up. I'm not perfect. My spouse isn't perfect. My kids aren't perfect. My parents aren't perfect. My siblings aren't perfect. Hell, I don't know one God Damn person in this entire messed up world that IS perfect.
I try to make my own decisions. I try to be a strong person. I fight with myself everyday to be sure I'm being a better person. And it's hard.
THERE...........I WAS HONEST.
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