Safe Haven

    Where is your safe haven?  The place you turn to for serenity, peace, calmness, freedom, understanding and love?  Is it your church, religion, god, the swimming pool, the backyard tulip garden, or your oil paints? What brings you back to a time, like when you were little and the cares of this earth didn't seem to exist and safety of soul was a normal existance?  Did you ever feel safe as a child? Under the wings of parents who loved you and did everything in their power to provide you with all the necessities of life? 

Why such deep thoughts?  Well, because I'm a pretty serious person.  I wish for lightheartedness every day.  I wish not to be so deep.  I didn't used to be so deep and serious.  I used to be lighthearted but so many of the obstacles in my life seem to stand in the way of it now.

I recently joined Facebook, and at first thought I had discovered a gold mine.  My husband joined before me and had mutual friends from high school added to his book that I hadn't seen in decades.  I wanted to have the same thing.  Even some of my own family members were on his friends list.  These were family that I would love to touch bases with and I had no idea they were all gathering around in this new tool called Facebook.  

What's up with that?  I have a Myspace account, and NOBODY contacts me from THAT! 

So I joined!

Next thing I know, some certain family members asked to be my friend on Facebook and hesitation set in. 

Some of these people are "related to" other people who have hurt my family very deeply and I wasn't sure just how to respond.  I didn't want to hurt their feelings by declining their friendship, after all, it was their family member, not them, who hurt me (and my family).

But they're all related (as am I to them).  So suddenly Facebook became not so fun anymore.

I know this sounds confusing, but I feel I have to protect people all the time.  Identity, confidentiality etc. 

So I added some of the family on it and now I'm back to old feelings that I've pushed under the water for years.  I know this is awfully vague, but children were involved.  My nieces and nephew were awarded custody of the state, and some of my family members ended up adopting them and then turned around and declined our involvement in their lives.  I wish, every time I think of it, that the kids had been adopted by outside sources rather than by my own family, because then, there wouldn't have been the discord and dissension I suffer from now.  Each person in the family seems a bit unsure whose side to take and it has caused a rift and a division in my family. 

I used to want to plan a reunion in the canyon for an overnight camp where volley ball, hiking, baseball and roasting marshmallows by the fire while my hubby plays guitar was a dream.  I had all kinds of games in mind to play.  I really had it planned out right down to the camp site, making the reservations and all.  But then this happened and the desire has gone up in smoke. Which really bothers me because I am so totally family oriented.

I wonder about what God would have me feel.  I can't deny my pain.  I don't want to forgive, because my feelings and the feelings of my immediate family have not been considered as important.  And I know my shunning them does little to effect them.

Well, I don't know it, but can't see how it has effected them much.

I can't help wonder how the children feel.  They adopted them and have not included my immediate family as part of the kids true biology.  It's hard to explain, but, it's as if we don't exist, and they don't want the kids to know anything about their true beginnings or where they came from, even though we are all related.   

I get so infuriated, I can't even sleep or think of anything else when the subject comes up.  I just want to ring someones neck and throw a tantrum.  So I avoid the subject completely.  

Which brings me back to the beginning of the blog.  Where do you find your peace?