I woke up from a really awful dream last night that Heather had died in my arms. I ran up to her room and hugged her and cried and cried. It made me sick. After talking to her for over an hour I returned to my bed and asked my husband if I was crying in my sleep as I've done that before and he said I hadn't. I don't think I've been as involved in my children's lives as they've gotten older thinking they don't need me as much. But, I think it may be that they need me more now than ever as it doesn't just involve scraped knees and boyfriend problems. It's more in line with real adult issues and circumstances, of which, I don't myself feel all that confident so I've kind of walked away from assisting in some of those areas.
Truly, some of them frighten me and I avoid things that scare me. Like doing all the online financial prep work to get Heather and Whit into college. Nate did all that for me when I was in school and he just hasn't put out much effort to get that done for the kids. I'm so into myself and my own accomplishments right now that I just don't get involved much with their needs. I think I'm beginning to see how life is wearing my kids down trying to do adult things themselves that they have no clue how to do.
I have been so career oriented of late that my old self has been put up on a shelf and .............lately I've been missing me.............. and thoughts and feelings of peace have came to me without my asking for them. Memories as simple as the taste of a peach grown next door in my mother in laws yard in Bluffdale. Or my learning to cut wood for tole painting projects on my dad's band saw. I used to tole paint, cook meals that were good for us, clean my house, do the laundry, comb my kids hair. As simple as these things are, they bring me peace.
I haven't felt like "the mom" in a long time. Being a mother was really all I ever wanted to do as a child and that goes to show that my mother was a great role model for me. My focus has changed from that of my husband and children and providing a peaceful home, to work, nursing and making money. I miss my peaceful focus. That's not to say that nursing isn't a good field, it's just that my thought process has been that of "career" instead of "nursing". I can take all my mommy stuff to work and continue to be a mom AND a nurse and I think I really need to think of it like that.
I was asked at work yesterday if I wanted to cut down on some of my hours, largely because they are always trying to avoid sending me into overtime beings that I work for two departments. After thinking about it, and talking it over with Nate, it sounds like a good idea. I just worry about not having as much on my paycheck. It would cut me down by about 8 hours in two weeks and free me up by a day a week.
Allowing myself to think back on when I was actually "the mom" of the house brings me back to a feeling of peace that I haven't had for a very very long time. You see, over the past several years mine and Nate's roles have been reversed. Nate has been doing all the "mom" things for a long time........laundry, dishes, cleaning etc. and I've really had a tough time allowing him to take over the areas I was so proud to do myself. I've been afraid of him taking over my role entirely. I've also taken on some of his roles as well being the main money maker of the house, which I've held some resentment over for a long time. But, I had a thought this morning that gave me a sense of self and it was that no matter how many of the jobs of mine he takes over, he will never be "THE MOM". And no matter how many of the roles of his I take, I will never be "THE DAD"! We used to talk about role reversal a lot years back, but it seems we've just fallen into "doing" and just going forward with the day to day stuff and not talking about it much.
Nate is traveling back to Utah today for his uncle Roy's funeral. Earl and Veloy have been back in Utah for the past couple of weeks believing this trip would be the last they would make on Roy's behalf, and they were right.
On a weird note, I found a belt on the floor in my dressing room that was my moms. I don't know how it got there or how I got it but it has her name "Dar Dar" on the buckle. It makes me wonder if it was my own mom who sent me that dream. It took something out of me because I've been in my pajamas ALL DAY LONG, and the only time I do that is if I'm sick, tired to the point of exhaustion or depressed! I think it's a little of the latter two.
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