Getting Older

I think about aging EVERY SINGLE DAY! 

I look in the mirror and wonder where my youthful face went. 

 

The secret about staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age

~ Lucille Ball ~. 

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it's up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. ~Coco Chanel~

Old Age: First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.  

~Leo Rosenberg~

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon"

Said the old man, "I do that too."

The little boy whispered. "I wet my pants."

"I do that too," laughed the old man."

Said the little boy, "I  often cry."

The old man nodded, "So do I."

"But worse of all," said the boy, "it seems

Grownups don't pay attention to me."

And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

"I know what you mean," said the old man.

~Shel Silverstein~

I don't feel really really really old, but I remember when my eyes were opened to aging.  It didn't happen when I looked into my grandmothers eyes, or felt the soft loose skin on the underside of her arm.  It wasn't when I noticed my mother had gone gray, or when my dad's front tooth broke off.  And is wasn't when I no longer got the full attention of my grandfather pinning me down for a whisker burn, not because I couldn't take it, but that he couldn't get back up off the floor.

It was in nursing school.  My eyes were opened to what happens to us when we lose bladder control, and when our minds don't function like we want them to when memory seems to close in on us or almost disappear altogether.  

I remember being really resentful of having my ignorance taken.  I didn't want to know what was coming.  I liked being in the dark about that part of the future. But once your eyes are open, they don't close again. 

Snow Day

We were told from several sources at work on Wednesday to expect 8-18 inches of snow that may start either Thursday morning or Thursday evening.  So I came home, covered up the pile of wood on the west side of the house with a tarp, and hauled a load in the wheel barrel up to the front door.  Today I went to Pilates to observe a teaching session and it was lightly snowing. I went to a couple stores and when I came out my car was totally COVERED.  After traveling on the highway for a few minutes, it was apparent that we were in white out conditions and it was a total blizzard.

I passed four accidents in a row, the cars involved were totaled, truckers jack-knifed in the middle of the highway and not just one but three, an ambulance was unable to get through, giant plows were unable to get through.  It was UGLY and I was scared!!  What would normally have taken me about 1/2 hour to get home, took 2 hours. 

I called work around 6:30 this evening and asked if the nurses were being required to stay over night and I was right, they weren't going anywhere!  I had to do that a year or so ago! The news called it a "state of emergency" .  

My car got stuck half way up the hill on the driveway so I was blocking the road.  Whit and I had to pull my car up the road with his X-Terra! His car smelled like something was burned when we were done.  Damn! What a P.I.T.A!  Nate is in Utah, Earl is in Utah.  Us kids were left alone to take care of ourselves during a blizzard!  I hate feeling like a kid during emergency conditions like this.  We're bringing in wood and starting fires ourselves!  How many people do you know have to use the wood-burning stove for heat and live in the wilderness, (almost)? Well, we aren't really kids, but I feel like I am when these conditions arise.

Work was called off for tomorrow, hallelujah!  I can catch up on sleep and house cleaning.

I'm only a step or two away from ordering my reformer. I'm so psyched about it! I got the swatches to choose the color I want on it yesterday.  This is probably the hardest part about all the choices to be made. After talking to one of the instructors today, I think I may order the cadillac too. That's a whopping investment, but I'm looking forward to it. 

Safe Haven

    Where is your safe haven?  The place you turn to for serenity, peace, calmness, freedom, understanding and love?  Is it your church, religion, god, the swimming pool, the backyard tulip garden, or your oil paints? What brings you back to a time, like when you were little and the cares of this earth didn't seem to exist and safety of soul was a normal existance?  Did you ever feel safe as a child? Under the wings of parents who loved you and did everything in their power to provide you with all the necessities of life? 

Why such deep thoughts?  Well, because I'm a pretty serious person.  I wish for lightheartedness every day.  I wish not to be so deep.  I didn't used to be so deep and serious.  I used to be lighthearted but so many of the obstacles in my life seem to stand in the way of it now.

I recently joined Facebook, and at first thought I had discovered a gold mine.  My husband joined before me and had mutual friends from high school added to his book that I hadn't seen in decades.  I wanted to have the same thing.  Even some of my own family members were on his friends list.  These were family that I would love to touch bases with and I had no idea they were all gathering around in this new tool called Facebook.  

What's up with that?  I have a Myspace account, and NOBODY contacts me from THAT! 

So I joined!

Next thing I know, some certain family members asked to be my friend on Facebook and hesitation set in. 

Some of these people are "related to" other people who have hurt my family very deeply and I wasn't sure just how to respond.  I didn't want to hurt their feelings by declining their friendship, after all, it was their family member, not them, who hurt me (and my family).

But they're all related (as am I to them).  So suddenly Facebook became not so fun anymore.

I know this sounds confusing, but I feel I have to protect people all the time.  Identity, confidentiality etc. 

So I added some of the family on it and now I'm back to old feelings that I've pushed under the water for years.  I know this is awfully vague, but children were involved.  My nieces and nephew were awarded custody of the state, and some of my family members ended up adopting them and then turned around and declined our involvement in their lives.  I wish, every time I think of it, that the kids had been adopted by outside sources rather than by my own family, because then, there wouldn't have been the discord and dissension I suffer from now.  Each person in the family seems a bit unsure whose side to take and it has caused a rift and a division in my family. 

I used to want to plan a reunion in the canyon for an overnight camp where volley ball, hiking, baseball and roasting marshmallows by the fire while my hubby plays guitar was a dream.  I had all kinds of games in mind to play.  I really had it planned out right down to the camp site, making the reservations and all.  But then this happened and the desire has gone up in smoke. Which really bothers me because I am so totally family oriented.

I wonder about what God would have me feel.  I can't deny my pain.  I don't want to forgive, because my feelings and the feelings of my immediate family have not been considered as important.  And I know my shunning them does little to effect them.

Well, I don't know it, but can't see how it has effected them much.

I can't help wonder how the children feel.  They adopted them and have not included my immediate family as part of the kids true biology.  It's hard to explain, but, it's as if we don't exist, and they don't want the kids to know anything about their true beginnings or where they came from, even though we are all related.   

I get so infuriated, I can't even sleep or think of anything else when the subject comes up.  I just want to ring someones neck and throw a tantrum.  So I avoid the subject completely.  

Which brings me back to the beginning of the blog.  Where do you find your peace? 

Daily Drudge

Bought a pair of reading glasses for $20.00 yesterday at Walley World. Was excited to wear them. When I got home from shopping they were no where in my purse. I took everything out of the purse looking for them.  I know I placed them in my purse at the store.  I know it, I know it, I can remember tearing the tag off so they'd fit in the cute little soft cover they came with and I know I stuck them in my purse! 

Freaked out........my kids are used to me not being able to find things 

                                     like my glasses 

and made fun of me telling me  I would find them. 

It's easy to blow off the bananas or bell peppers that got left at the store.  A couple bucks, that's all the loss.  But I couldn't blow off a $20.00 dollar pair of readers.  Why?  Because I used to buy tons of them at the dollar store in Utah. I never paid over a dollar for a pair of cute reading glasses so $20.00 was too much.  

Found them! 

Between the passenger door and the seat! Dumb!

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Worked today.  We have a new way to self schedule online.  I wasn't notified about it.  Hmmmm.  Feelin' a bit slighted from the 3rd floor.  It's alright.....my boss apologized when she explained it to me over the phone. 

Kids are going snowboarding tomorrow. I work and no one will be home with Pika! Not sure what to do.  

I miss Nate but hope he is able to enjoy his family no matter if it was a funeral that took him to them.  

  

Buckles and Dreams

I woke up from a really awful dream last night that Heather had died in my arms. I ran up to her room and hugged her and cried and cried.  It made me sick. After talking to her for over an hour I returned to my bed and asked my husband if I was crying in my sleep as I've done that before and he said I hadn't.  I don't think I've been as involved in my children's lives as they've gotten older thinking they don't need me as much.  But, I think it may be that they need me more now than ever as it doesn't just involve scraped knees and boyfriend problems.  It's more in line with real adult issues and circumstances, of which, I don't myself feel all that confident so I've kind of walked away from assisting in some of those areas.  

Truly, some of them frighten me and I avoid things that scare me.  Like doing all the online financial prep work to get Heather and Whit into college. Nate did all that for me when I was in school and he just hasn't put out much effort to get that done for the kids.  I'm so into myself and my own accomplishments right now that I just don't get involved much with their needs.  I think I'm beginning to see how life is wearing my kids down trying to do adult things themselves that they have no clue how to do. 

I have been so career oriented of late that my old self has been put up on a shelf and .............lately I've been missing me.............. and thoughts and feelings of peace have came to me without my asking for them.  Memories as simple as the taste of a peach grown next door in my mother in laws yard in Bluffdale. Or my learning to cut wood for tole painting projects on my dad's band saw.  I used to tole paint, cook meals that were good for us, clean my house, do the laundry, comb my kids hair.  As simple as these things are, they bring me peace.  

I haven't felt like "the mom" in a long time. Being a mother was really all I ever wanted to do as a child and that goes to show that my mother was a great role model for me.  My focus has changed from that of my husband and children and providing a peaceful home, to work, nursing and making money.  I miss my peaceful focus. That's not to say that nursing isn't a good field, it's just that my thought process has been that of "career" instead of "nursing".  I can take all my mommy stuff to work and continue to be a mom AND a nurse and I think I really need to think of it like that.

I was asked at work yesterday if I wanted to cut down on some of my hours, largely because they are always trying to avoid sending me into overtime beings that I work for two departments.  After thinking about it, and talking it over with Nate, it sounds like a good idea. I just worry about not having as much on my paycheck.  It would cut me down by about 8 hours in two weeks and free me up by a day a week. 

Allowing myself to think back on when I was actually "the mom" of the house brings me back to a feeling of peace that I haven't had for a very very long time.  You see, over the past several years mine and Nate's roles have been reversed.  Nate has been doing all the "mom" things for a long time........laundry, dishes, cleaning etc.  and I've really had a tough time allowing him to take over the areas I was so proud to do myself.  I've been afraid of him taking over my role entirely.  I've also taken on some of his roles as well being the main money maker of the house, which I've held some resentment over for a long time.  But, I had a thought this morning that gave me a sense of self and it was that no matter how many of the jobs of mine he takes over, he will never be "THE MOM".  And no matter how many of the roles of his I take, I will never be "THE DAD"!  We used to talk about role reversal a lot years back, but it seems we've just fallen into "doing" and just going forward with the day to day stuff and not talking about it much.

Nate is traveling back to Utah today for his uncle Roy's funeral.  Earl and Veloy have been back in Utah for the past couple of weeks believing this trip would be the last they would make on Roy's behalf, and they were right. 

On a weird note, I found a belt on the floor in my dressing room that was my moms.  I don't know how it got there or how I got it but it has her name "Dar Dar" on the buckle.  It makes me wonder if it was my own mom who sent me that dream.  It took something out of me because I've been in my pajamas ALL DAY LONG, and the only time I do that is if I'm sick, tired to the point of exhaustion or depressed! I think it's a little of the latter two.  

Hard Partings

Love the "Nathan's" family chair

Clara didn't get her way

Meme and chubby James

Aub and her bebe's

Nate and James in the airport 

First greetings since we saw them last in July '08

 (Arrival date in Colorado Feb 26 '09 )

Clara was frightened of Whit at first and wouldn't go to him.  

He was very happy when she gave in and fell in love with him.

Sarah Whit and Tony

Tone's teeth are green

because he ate something 

green

 

Have you ever loved someone so much that their physical absence causes physical pain?

I wish I could quote that line from the movie What Lies Beneath with perfection.  Or the one I just heard in the movie Death at a Funeral where, at his father's funeral, the brother makes a comment about how loving people causes so much emotional baggage that he'd just rather not get into personal relationships.  I know what both of those statements feel like.  But I'm not a stone and have just enough close relationships to feel the ever foreboding pain caused by their absence. 

It's 4:00 in the morning and I've been awake since 3:00, because my little darlings are going home today, a day I have dreaded with all the fibers of my being since they first got here.  See, there's where not having close relationships would come in handy because then I wouldn't feel like my heart is being wrenched in a vice and thrown out a window.  That's an awful analogy but I can't seem to stop the flow of tears and I feel totally selfish for it.

It's not that my family here in Colorado aren't enough for me, it's that I don't like partings, and I don't like being separated from my loved ones, especially when I'm not exactly sure when I'll be able to hold my grand babies again, or hug my daughter.  It's almost unbearable.

I'm almost to the point of being inconsolable, and I don't like it. 

I've had so much fun kissing and tickling and doing acrobatics with my grand babies.  I wish I had kept a journal of our days with them now.  We've done a lot of shopping, Aub, me and the babies, but it got difficult with the time span in the car.  Aub and Heather went somewhere together and Clara threw up in the car so from that point we took along a bowl and second set of clothes, which came in handy when Aub and I were going on our shopping spree and just as we came around a corner, Clara threw up not once, or twice, but three times in a row.  James quickly followed suite and we were dumbfounded about why he would too.  The only conclusion we came to was sympathetic barfing.  That put a damper on things but we still went and bought a coat and shoes for Aub. 

We went to a couple of play areas with the kids, which Aubrey lined up, and I'm so glad she did because I got some good pictures (and some not so good ones......still learning about photography). We all had a blast.  

Aubrey has tickled our taste buds with some very yummy dinners.  My favorite was the salmon Aub, but the coconut chicken breasts, seasoned whole chicken and french dip were also amongst my favorites. Your hubby is truly spoiled!  She is an excellent cook and I'm so proud of her and how she is raising her little ones.  She is really a very fun loving, sweet and generous mommy and I can't stop crying again. 

We've had some pretty devastating events go on just recently and Aubrey has been a comfort and a boon to our family during these times and I'm grateful she was here for it although it would probably not have been something she would have chosen and I for one could have done without the drama.  None-the-less, our family seems to be founded in drama and screaming, of which we were not without.  What would we be like without the drama and yelling?  Boring! Perhaps. Calm? That'd be a nice change, but I'm afraid I have an anxious side of me that may never subside.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of old person I'll make.  I take care of a lot of cranky, mean and bull headed ones.  I also take care of the sweet old man and lady types too.  Somehow I don't feel I'll fit into the "sweet old lady" category.

Anyway.  It's taken three hours to do this blog.  Downloading pictures to my computer takes forever.

Just wanted to say.................THANK YOU AUBREY!  I loved having you and your kids here.

THANK YOU NATHAN HATCH for sharing.  I'm sorry you were alone so long but I really needed this.

Now on with the packing and 1.5 hr trip to the airport where I will be bawling on the inside the whole time there. 

 

   

 

On With Training

For the past four days I have been involved in my much anticipated Pilates teacher certification classes and I just had to drop a line to say how utterly excited and overwhelmed I am.  There is so much I have to study, practice, and learn before returning April 30 for another four days of intense education. Don't get me wrong..........I'm not complaining.........I've been looking forward to this day for more than eleven years. I don't recall just exactly how I came into learning about Pilates, but I've been wanting to get certified for what seems like an eternity.

In the 1990's, I think I stumbled onto something online about it and ate up every little morsel of information I could get my hands on from going on sites that sell the equipment to learning about Joseph Pilates and about his lifes work in fitness and exercise rehabilitation. 

I've wanted to meet Romana, one of the "elders" of the work of Pilates who actually studied under Joseph when he was alive.  She is still alive today in New York.  My dream was to be trained from her or someone else who got their education from "Joe" himself, and Romana would have been my choice, but as I am not going to New York any time soon I had to start my education here in Colorado.  The owner of the studio that I am taking my lessons from was actually trained by Romana, so I am very close to that hopeful goal as I will be taking lessons from her too soon.

I would be considered a 4th generation student as my instructor, Kristi Cooper, was trained by Rael, who was trained by one of the "elders"  that was trained by Joseph Pilates himself. I can't remember the way to spell Rael's last name, and don't remember who he was directly trained by but I'll fill in those blanks later.  The heart of this blog is that I am so very happy to be where I am now, to have started this wonderful journey and can't wait to continue on with my work.

I am currently deciding between Balanced Body and Peak Pilates equipment.  I need to purchase my reformer ASAP so that I can practice as much as possible at home.  Lessons can add up in cost, and I thought that I had invested enough with just the classes for certification, but I was wrong.  I will be spending much more before I'm through.  But it will all be worth it.  

I'm looking forward to the post that I will write that will contain a picture of myself on my brand new reformer.  That will be an emotional day for me because I've looked forward to owning my own studio since what seems like forever, and the day I purchase my first piece of equipment will be the day I actually started my own Pilates business. 

I was a gymnast, dancer and cheerleader in high school and have suffered from pain, arthritis and dysfunction from old injuries acquired therein.  Gymnastics was a very big part of my life in school and the gym was my second home.  Since leaving high school, I have been looking for that second home and found it when I became a fitness and aerobics instructor in my new job at Spa La Fem in West Jordan Utah.  From there I had to quit my job when I got married and moved to Logan Utah where I majored in Modern Dance at Utah State University.  I became pregnant with my first baby and both Nate and  I lost our jobs working for Pepperidge Farms so we had to move back to Salt Lake.  I became a full time mom and had too more children but decided I needed something more.  Nate convinced me I should get a degree in nursing instead of computers so I became an RN, and still didn't feel like I was in the right place as my gym home had not been found.  I decided to complete my degree in Exercise Sport Science at the University of Utah in exercise physiology with the idea that I would get my Pilates certification afterwords.  I have been looking to Pilates for assistance in healing and recovering those old high school injuries and after beginning my Pilates classes I believe I will be able to work through all my old injuries.  I can also say  I've found my new niche, my peaceful place, my place of sanity, serenity and joy.......................I found my new gym home.