Forgiveness

The Oxford Dictionary:

"Forgive: Cease to feel angry or resentful toward; pardon; excuse, overlook, clear, acquit, absolve."


New World Dictionary:

"Forgive: To give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon. To give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense)."


The American Heritage Dictionary:

"Forgive: To excuse for a fault or offense; pardon. Synonyms: forgive, excuse, condone. These verbs mean to pass over an offense and to free the offender from the consequences of it. To forgive it to grant pardon without harboring resentment."

Three dictionaries definitions of what "forgiveness" is. Three different views using words to describe what "true" forgiveness is. Not just "releasing the pain that a person has caused in your life", but absolving. Not holding onto it, but "stop being angry with". Not hoping to punish but "pardoning".

I read a blog once that started out like this. "You know what I hate, hate, hate, despise?".

This is not forgiveness. This is harboring, hoping to inflict pain with the blog. Just hoping that the person it was directed toward would read it and feel the vial seething hate spew all over them. Putrid, sick, loathing....... this is not forgiveness. This is not happiness. This kind of hate and loathing leads to physical sickness.

You can choose your friends, you can't choose your relatives. This is so true. But why allienate yourself from the people who love you? We know you're hurt. So are we.

How do I feel about the person who wrote these words? Do I hate her? No. I don't hate her. How can I hate her. I don't know her well enough to hate her. I babysat her once when she was very small. I looked forward to seeing her at family parties, unfortunately, sometimes her mother would choose not to come to the parties and I wouldn't get the chance to see her. I am a loving Aunt. I love my nieces and nephews.

You are not the only one hurt. We have been lost, confused, bewildered and alienated too. We feel we have lost a big chunk of our family. Fortunately there have been a few who have splintered off and decided to be a part of our lives. I'm grateful for this.

Just because we continue to love the person who has made changes that have caused confusion, distrust, pain and sorrow doesn't mean we don't look on those closest to him and ask ourselves how they are handling it all.

Another thing, the feelings you have about this are your own. So "own" them. Don't think that avoidance is forgiveness. Don't think that allienating everyone who has love for the offender is the way to go. Don't think for one minute the thought hasn't run through my head..... How the hell are you and your family handling all of this?

Maybe it's time to put down the resentment and ask yourself why a person would make such a strong change in their life that would affect everyone they are close to; that would allienate everyone they love. Could it be they had no foresite? What would make a person do such a thing?

Could it be self hate?

Could it be they were convinced by so called "experts" that it was the only way to be "whole"?

Did it happen at a time in their life so close after a major injury and they were drugged out of their gord, really unable to make a smart decision.

Maybe their upbringing hadn't allowed them to make solid smart decisions for themself, believing that someone else always has the truth. Maybe it's a combination of all of those things. Who knows. What's done is done. All I know is that I still love this person through all of it.

I've been hurt too. I hold resentment for some of my family members too. They adopted my nieces and nephew and now won't let any of us have part in their lives. They changed the childrens names, something they were asked not to do. I have not forgiven them. I also acknowledge that I haven't forgiven them. I hold resentment toward them because they took something from me. Something was taken from you too. Our stories are not the same. But I know that I'm grateful for those in my family that I love and am ever grateful to find I am loved.

Know that you are loved.

Even if you are the one hating.