Snobbery

I'm beginning to believe that I'm just not the friendliest person around. I thought it was just that I don't know how to talk to people, but after working yesterday with another nurse whom I look at as a jabberbox, I think maybe I'm just a snob, or that I really don't like people in general. I get along with animals just fine. They don't talk. (with words), don't judge, are forgiving, unconditional, show their affection only after you earn it. I don't know.

Yesterday was the third day of me being unit secretary and I charged the floor for two of those days. I kept noticing that I was in a crappy mood. Then I started to look at the people that I work with and noticed that I find I don't "like" most of them for one reason or another. This one talks too much, that one is lazy, this one is 22 years old, acts like she knows everything and amazingly enough, has the older nurses actually "listening" to her and taking her seriously. I just think of her as a "silly girl". This one is always bragging about his daughter, that one is a perpetual flirt, this one is a liar and covers it up with humor. I don't know. Don't other people see these flaws? Not that I'm flawless, I just don't understand how these flawed people are able to get others to listen to them. I think of myself as having some very interesting things happen in my life, but I find I get cut off in conversation, or just don't get listened to or taken seriously at all.

I have a hard time looking at people. I don't like to get too personal with strangers, even though they are people I work with all the time, I know how they talk behind others backs. Even the so-called "good" people do it. In fact, sometimes they are the worst for it. What makes a friendship? I don't do things with people I work with outside of work. I don't know anyone else outside of work. I don't attend church. I don't have contacts outside of my home except those from work. I guess, I avoid the idea of socializing too closely with people at work because I am a private person and don't want my life talked about at work amongst my peers. So I don't get too close to anyone there. There is this thing called "confidentiality" at work and I have seen time and time again how, even though this is a topic that is addressed EVERY YEAR at work for our patients confidentiality, it so often doesn't even get a second glance when talking amongst ourselves about those we work with.

That's why I'm so guarded. So, instead of making friends, I look at people and hear how they talk to and about each other and avoid those type conversations. So I stay in this little "alone" box always hoping that the shell will break and I'll open up. Maybe it's just that I've been hurt by people I've deemed closest to me and so I don't venture out at all.