I had my three kids at home. 1984, 1986 and 1989. Girl, girl, boy. This is something that I don't bring up much. I have hidden knowledge of this under my pillow for safe keeping. A treasured fact about myself I only let out on safe and special occasions. When I know the person cannot hurt or try to destroy this sacred bit about me. But I have felt prodded today. Not to let this treasure out, but to let home birth and midwifery back into my life again.
And Aubrey was her name
A not so very ordinary girl or name
But who's to blame.................
Aub was born in Logan, Utah. It was a beautiful May morning with the smell of freshly mowed grass and sunshine in the background, and my husband played Bread's "Aubrey" on his guitar right after she was born. What a glorious day. What an awesome experience. My first baby........ I didn't know what sex the baby was. I didn't have an ultrasound to tell me. But late one night when Nate was still at work and I was up late with worry that it might be a boy (all the clothes I had were girl clothes, given with hopes of a female by my loving sisters and mother) I expressed to God my fears........what would I do, we were poor and I couldn't dress my boy in pink. And then I smelled perfume. Not a scent I wore. It couldn't be the old lady's in the apartment next to us or the couple below, it was after 11pm, who sprays cologne that late? It was a sign. A sign that I could stop worrying about dressing my son as a girl because I was carrying a girl. What a relief.
My midwife was over an hour away as she lived in Kaysville. We called and called to no avail. We couldn't reach her. We called Nates sister who called our labor teacher who reached my midwife in Salt Lake City, two hours away now. My midwife, Ronna Hand, hurt her arm and went to see a doc in SLC. When she finally arrived I was dilated to 7 and was in transition. She said she sped all the way to us. I didn't even know I was in "true labor". I pushed for over an hour. My seven pound, two ounce daughter was born. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and the experience was the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me.
That goes without saying for the birth experience of all my children.
I write about Aubs birth because she has been cajoling all kinds of memories out of me today. It's kind of felt like a stick in my side, poking and prodding. I haven't enjoyed the whole experience because it has also brought mixed feelings about some of the other things I thought I'd buried. Desires I put back in the far recesses of my bogged down head. Desires to help other women have the kind of birth they want. There was a time I really wanted to be a midwife. I could talk of nothing else during my childbearing years. I bought all kinds of books, read everything I could get my hands on. I was proud of myself for being able to "give birth" rather than have it taken from me.
My life has changed. I'm older and my children have grown. My nursing experiences take me into a world of the "molden years" (Nates form of the "golden years"). You think changing baby diapers is bad, try a 71 year old incontinent man who has a great appetite. It's no wonder I have a melancholy about me. I'm dealing in experiences closer to death and no hope than in looking ahead. I live with it too.
I've been revisiting my old stomping grounds of wanting to be a midwife today. I fled from it. Being a midwife and delivering babies at home seemed "scary" to me. I wasn't really afraid something would go wrong in my births, but it's different when it's you who are on the line to assist a woman to a safe delivery. And I didn't have the most promising experiences on the labor and delivery unit during nursing school. I aided a woman to the bathroom and was screamed at........."Don't you know she could have the baby in the toilet?" I've been called negligent and stupid for having my kids at home. I didn't want my home birth experiences made fun of and I knew that if I worked on a labor and delivery unit I would feel obliged to think and act on birth as I was "trained" to do. I would be obliged to follow doctors orders. Becoming a puppet wasn't in my plans.
Aub has shown me there is a way around all the objections I've had this whole time. But when I think of going back to school, and about carrying such a great responsibility, I must question if it is truly what I would want and enjoy. I'm not convinced.
I am proud of her and her own pursuits. I feel I've played a part in what she now holds dear in her own birth processes and pursuits in her dream of an upcoming career in midwifery. She shows me that all the stuff I've been talking about all these years has been heard. That I don't just talk and no one listens. I feel I've been an influence.
I am a tired woman. I don't think I'm too old, but I am not sure I have the energy to take on such a massive and important thing as midwifery now. I was headed in the exercise direction. And I'm not sure I want to put that down just yet. But it has been fun to see that I could pursue this if I wanted to. And I'm oh so proud that Aub has such a burning desire as I once did. I don't want it to be squelched for her as it has been for me these many years. More importantly, I am glad she has the baton for women in this nation to give birth rather than have it taken from them.
As Jack Nicholson might say............
This nation needs an enema..well, as far as birth goes!!!!!
And Aubrey was her name
A not so very ordinary girl or name
But who's to blame.................
Aub was born in Logan, Utah. It was a beautiful May morning with the smell of freshly mowed grass and sunshine in the background, and my husband played Bread's "Aubrey" on his guitar right after she was born. What a glorious day. What an awesome experience. My first baby........ I didn't know what sex the baby was. I didn't have an ultrasound to tell me. But late one night when Nate was still at work and I was up late with worry that it might be a boy (all the clothes I had were girl clothes, given with hopes of a female by my loving sisters and mother) I expressed to God my fears........what would I do, we were poor and I couldn't dress my boy in pink. And then I smelled perfume. Not a scent I wore. It couldn't be the old lady's in the apartment next to us or the couple below, it was after 11pm, who sprays cologne that late? It was a sign. A sign that I could stop worrying about dressing my son as a girl because I was carrying a girl. What a relief.
My midwife was over an hour away as she lived in Kaysville. We called and called to no avail. We couldn't reach her. We called Nates sister who called our labor teacher who reached my midwife in Salt Lake City, two hours away now. My midwife, Ronna Hand, hurt her arm and went to see a doc in SLC. When she finally arrived I was dilated to 7 and was in transition. She said she sped all the way to us. I didn't even know I was in "true labor". I pushed for over an hour. My seven pound, two ounce daughter was born. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and the experience was the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me.
That goes without saying for the birth experience of all my children.
I write about Aubs birth because she has been cajoling all kinds of memories out of me today. It's kind of felt like a stick in my side, poking and prodding. I haven't enjoyed the whole experience because it has also brought mixed feelings about some of the other things I thought I'd buried. Desires I put back in the far recesses of my bogged down head. Desires to help other women have the kind of birth they want. There was a time I really wanted to be a midwife. I could talk of nothing else during my childbearing years. I bought all kinds of books, read everything I could get my hands on. I was proud of myself for being able to "give birth" rather than have it taken from me.
My life has changed. I'm older and my children have grown. My nursing experiences take me into a world of the "molden years" (Nates form of the "golden years"). You think changing baby diapers is bad, try a 71 year old incontinent man who has a great appetite. It's no wonder I have a melancholy about me. I'm dealing in experiences closer to death and no hope than in looking ahead. I live with it too.
I've been revisiting my old stomping grounds of wanting to be a midwife today. I fled from it. Being a midwife and delivering babies at home seemed "scary" to me. I wasn't really afraid something would go wrong in my births, but it's different when it's you who are on the line to assist a woman to a safe delivery. And I didn't have the most promising experiences on the labor and delivery unit during nursing school. I aided a woman to the bathroom and was screamed at........."Don't you know she could have the baby in the toilet?" I've been called negligent and stupid for having my kids at home. I didn't want my home birth experiences made fun of and I knew that if I worked on a labor and delivery unit I would feel obliged to think and act on birth as I was "trained" to do. I would be obliged to follow doctors orders. Becoming a puppet wasn't in my plans.
Aub has shown me there is a way around all the objections I've had this whole time. But when I think of going back to school, and about carrying such a great responsibility, I must question if it is truly what I would want and enjoy. I'm not convinced.
I am proud of her and her own pursuits. I feel I've played a part in what she now holds dear in her own birth processes and pursuits in her dream of an upcoming career in midwifery. She shows me that all the stuff I've been talking about all these years has been heard. That I don't just talk and no one listens. I feel I've been an influence.
I am a tired woman. I don't think I'm too old, but I am not sure I have the energy to take on such a massive and important thing as midwifery now. I was headed in the exercise direction. And I'm not sure I want to put that down just yet. But it has been fun to see that I could pursue this if I wanted to. And I'm oh so proud that Aub has such a burning desire as I once did. I don't want it to be squelched for her as it has been for me these many years. More importantly, I am glad she has the baton for women in this nation to give birth rather than have it taken from them.
As Jack Nicholson might say............
This nation needs an enema..well, as far as birth goes!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment