Picture picks

Just some of the pictures I've taken that I like to look at over and over again.  Most were taken in 2008.

Taken inside the car....spots on the window

Plans for a New Doo

When I was little, my mom kept my hair in a pixie cut and I always wanted it long.  "Girls have long hair"!  At least, that's how I felt. I felt like a little boy.  So when I grew up I grew it out......and it took FOR-EV-ER.   

But I'm considering chopping it.  

Oh shut up Aub,  I know I've been all talk for a loooooonnnnnng time, but we'll just see!  I'm not saying I'm doing it tomorrow, I'm just saying I'm CONSIDERING it!

Joey Lauren Adams

 No.........

I don't have a thing for Joey.............  I just love her hair.

She's proof big boobs aren't necessary for the whole package to be darling.

Wish small boobed girls were in the limelight twenty eight years ago!  

I'm thinking of chopping my mop and putting some high-lights in it.   I've been growing my hair since I was pregnant with my youngest kid...........almost TWENTY YEARS AGO!

I've chopped, permed and colored ALOT since then, but I'm getting tired of the same old doo! Problem is, I know once I chop, I won't stop.  

That'll be the last of my length for the rest of my life........what a concept!

Honesty

This blog is about honesty.  Something that I've tried to be throughout my life and have been, if for no better reason than to avoid the feeling that I'm lying by not saying what I think. 

For instance........... one Mother's day I spoke up......not really considering how what I was saying would affect my mom, but I let her know how she hadn't been the most patient person in her life, and I, during this little escapade, hoped that my other family members would chime in and back me up with what I was saying as my mother did have a roughness and frequently a blatant brashness about her and had, on several occasions, been down right mean to me, my sisters and my nieces and nephews.  It was at the behest of my therapist that I proceeded to lam blast my mother with my honesty.  I was doing what he had encouraged me to do every week.........let mom know how I felt.  Set my boundaries.  Let her know just what I thought and let her know how what she had said and done had affected me in my life.  I wasn't even taking into consideration THAT IT WAS MOTHERS DAY for crying out loud.  Nothing like picking the proper time and place.  Geez.....what kind of a daughter was I?

Of course, no one backed me up. No one joined in to help me out.  

I WONDER WHY? 

Seriously............I didn't even THINK!!!!

It took her years to recover from my all out blatancy, and because it took her years, it took US years to be able to talk.  She totally shut down.  She didn't even look at me the same.  She didn't get more close to me.  I didn't have a better relationship because of my honesty.  There was absolutely NO BENEFIT from my honesty.  It made me terribly sad and since then I try to listen to myself and what I think I should say instead of what someone else says would be the best way to handle a situation or what words to use. 

Another time I was in a fast and testimony meeting and had the urge, or felt the need to express myself and I remember standing at the pulpit and telling the people I saw each Sunday how hard it was for me to live with my in-laws, and that I wouldn't recommend it to anyone as I didn't have the privacy I'd like.   

It wasn't until much later that I really thought about what I had said and recognized how much this may have hurt them, especially as this was expressed to people who had known my in-laws for many years, had worked sided by side, had many dinners and activities with them, knew their kids and their trials in life and I was so honest as to tell these people just how imperfect my mom and pop in-law were.  I look back on that event and can hardly believe how ludicrous I was and how self centered and foolish I was being.  I didn't express how much they were helping us out.  I just expressed how bad I had it.  It was only later that I realized what I had done and became embarrassed by my behavior.  

I've embarrassed myself far too many times by such thoughtlessness.  And, sadly, I can't say I've totally grown up yet.  I've let my tongue get the best of me far too many times in my life and that is my nemesis.........MY TONGUE!

What a doof.    

It doesn't always take a big person to be honest.  Sometimes more is said in silence by holding your tongue and figuring out how to deal with a situation rather than blab your mouth off to the world about how god damn hard your life is.  

Oh do I have stories I could tell.  I could embarrass the shit out of sooooooooooo many people with the stuff I know about them and how their behavior has affected me and continues to affect me, my life, my thought processes, my behavior, my emotions, my everything.  

But what would that help my situation?  How would I grow?  How would that help those I love grow? What good would it do me or them?

We all have it hard.  I've been through a lot of shit in my life and don't go blabbing to the world how fucked up my life is because of the selfishness of someone else even though there's been a lot of that!   I know I'm fucked up.  I know I've fucked up.  I'm not perfect. My spouse isn't perfect.  My kids aren't perfect.  My parents aren't perfect. My siblings aren't perfect.  Hell, I don't know one God Damn person in this entire messed up world that IS perfect.

I try to make my own decisions.  I try to be a strong person.  I fight with myself everyday to be sure I'm being a better person.  And it's hard. 

THERE...........I WAS HONEST.

Great Things is Happenin'

I've had a little boost lately.

I helped paint the ceiling in the gym today. Awesome! Next are the walls, the shelves and finally the flooring! Then it's buy the reformer and trapeze!

My puppy is "kinda" getting the idea of the outside being where she should potty.

I've started my new job and love it!

I just put my down payment on Pilates classes that start in March.

2009 has many hopes in it for me!

My Little Dancer

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes.  My chest was full, and I was holding in emotion that felt like it would explode like a rocket volcano, waling to wake everyone in the house!  I laid there thinking about the dream I just had.  It was about my Aubrey.  She had been taken away from me because my home wasn't a suitable and stable environment, and so she was placed with other relatives to be raised by them.  

I was talking and reminiscing with someone about what she looked like... her beautiful auburn hair... and the person shattered my memory of her by saying, "oh no, it's more like pink now".... meaning she had grown up and it had lightened.  I felt like I had been robbed of so many of her growing up years at that moment, and the feelings of jealousy, rage and sadness set like a lead weight in my heart.

Then I was at a performance of some kind and Aub was the star of the show.  It involved a large box and two other people who had her dance her way into the box, then they flipped the it over, as though it was some magic trick, and they weren't gentle so she was tousled around in the box before it magically opened on the other side and Aub popped out with her arms high in the air as if to say  Ta-da!  Her little giggly personality and kind of flippant movements reminded me of how she was as a little girl.  I hadn't seen her in a very very long time and my heart ached with both joy and sadness. It was at that point I started to cry and kind of woke up. 

It was also at that point that I took an initiative and said both to her but more to the world and the people who took her from me that I would never allow this to happen again, and NO ONE would ever be able to have that kind of control over my daughter or take her away ever again!

Boy it made me miss her little girlhood.  It brought back memories of her joyous and loving little sweet personality full of giggles and wonder that I thought I'd forgotten.  It let me see the little girl side of my Aub that I will always cherish.  

She is now a mommy herself and has a little girl (and boy) that are the light of her world (and mine).  The joy that comes from kids is something that I am so very glad to say I've experienced in my life.  I know I am a blessed woman to have born and raised three of the most wonderful people in the world.  And the blessings keep coming. 

The dream can be interpreted in several ways, but I really think it just shows how much I love and miss her, and how much I really enjoyed her as a child.  I continue to enjoy her now.

I love you so much Aub.......mom.

2009 Goals

So what have you done the first two days of the year?  I worked on the 1st and 2nd (and the 31st). When I woke this morning it felt kind of like I'd missed something...............PLANNING! I missed setting my goals for the year PRIOR to the beginning of the year.  

That's o.k. I'm only three days into this year.  There's still time!

Fitness or losing weight is probably the goal that is on the top of MOST peoples list of new years resolutions, and I can't exclude myself in this.  In fact that is ....THE... GOAL.... of the year. My Pilates training is coming up in March. I'd like to at least be able to touch my toes before I go to be trained to twist in a pretzel.

My second goal that has been placed on my list and forgotten every year for about three years is at least STARTING on the project of putting my pictures in albums.  I have soooooo many boxes of photos and we never get to see them because I can't commit to putting them in a book! Realistically I must place this as beginning in about July to August as the months leading up to them will be packed with starting a new job this month, then Pilates training from March through  June!

Other goals include seeing a few docs and a dentist.  Getting the pup both potty trained and crate trained.   I'm sure some other idea's will come to mind. 

I hope our country does better in 2009 that last year.  I feel sorry for O'bama, as he just jumped into the burning boat!  I know everyone expects him to "fix things", but I'm not sure just what he will be able to do with the mess we're in.  I know many people are going to try to pin this mess on him when it's not fixed as soon as they want or the way they want it done.  I just hope they remember what a mess our country is in now so they don't blame him for putting us here in the first place.  THANK YOU BUSH!  

You know, I don't use the word HATE too much in my vocabulary.  My mother would always stop me mid sentence by saying "hate is a very strong word".  So mom, where ever you are, in heaven or other........cover your ears when you hear me talk about......... BUSH! 

That is all!

Much Needed Boots

UGGS OR UGG MOCK UPS!          Which do I want?         Which can I afford?

Cute but worth the price?($159.95)

I like these in a lighter brown ($229.95)

I just love these! ($229.95)

Couldn't shovel snow in them but dang they're cute! And I'm a clog fiend($89.95)

I have noticed lots of women around here are wearing boots that are Uggs or Ugg mock-ups! They usually tuck their pants inside them and look really really cute.  The girl I work with had some on the other day and I knew they were expensive (she had them given to her).

So I went online tonight to see about getting me some!  Yikes!  $150-$240.00 buckaroos!   The boots above are Uggs originals! 

I guess they're out of my price range.  I've gone to Target, Kohls, Walmart and either they were out of any kind of snow boot I liked, or they didn't have my size (remember I'm dealing with a major drive to go to other stores here!)

I really need something other than my old moon boots.  Yes it's embarrassing to even admit I still have them. They're disgustingly ugly and a dull pink.  But they were in style one time! Now, I only keep them because the only other boots I have are my children's throw-me- downs (No they're not hand-me-downs.  They were in the D.I. pile and I fished them out.) 

Heather needs snow boots too so I thought I'd shop for us both.  Looks like neither of us are getting any unless prices come down or other stores start to carry our size! 

_____________________________________

Here's wishing you a Happy New Year!  I worked today and will work the next two days.  

I officially begin my new job in January and I feel I'm just about as trained as needs be, the rest will come with experience.  I've been orienting since the beginning of November (OVERTIMEOVERTIMEOVERTIME)  Probably why I've been sick!  I've had to learn the computer system, and that's the biggest part. 

I'm super psyched about it as this is basically where I've been aiming my career.  I've always wanted to be able to help people with their exercise plans, but was afraid about if I got a client with a heart history.  That's largely why I went into the cardiac unit in the first  place.  I've taken care of post cardiac surgical patients, and now, I'll be able to monitor them on telemetry and write exercise prescriptions for them well after heart surgery!  Fantastic!

So as far as celebrating goes, I'm going to get my P.J.'s on and go to bed with a movie on!

May you all have a  HAPPY NEW YEAR~  Tami