The Secret

Have you read the book "The Secret"? I've seen the movie and began reading the book a while back and I truly believe in the message that it promotes about the law of attraction. That when you have something going on in your mind, the universe sends it your way. Whether good or bad, you bring it to yourself. To quote Mike Dooley in the book, "Thoughts become things"! That seems quite true when you think about it. Have you ever in your life achieved a thing prior to you're thinking you can achieve it and then once you see a way for it to happen, you go out and get it?

I really wanted some exercise equipment, but I didn't want to delve into the equity I had saved from the sale of my home. I couldn't see a way of getting what I wanted. I thought and thought about it and couldn't come to any kind of conclusion about how I could get it. I finally prayed that God would open a door for me to be able to get the equipment without using my savings. And the door opened. The store offered a one year free of interest plan. I did it. I payed for my equipment in one year and didn't pay a dime in interest. It would have been over $1000.00 in interest alone. Now I own a Life Fitness treadmill and a Hoist Universal. Two of my most prized possessions.

I now want to get my training in Pilates. Again, I didn't want to delve into my savings. The universe has opened a door with a plan I can use to attain this. But, first I asked the Universe to help me decide what it is I truly wanted. My original plan was to come to Colorado for training. Then I decided that maybe it wasn't what I truly wanted. So I asked the Universe what it wanted me to do with myself. Aubrey came into the picture and brought up an old dream of mine to be a midwife. I struggled with the idea, and when I saw an advertisement for Pilates on the T.V. I had to ask myself a big question. If I were a midwife and saw an ad about Pilates, would I feel remorse or regret, or jealousy about not having gone into it. Yes, I would. That was the deciding factor for me.

I am going into my 50's. Amazing. I've had people tell me I'm too old to start another career. Nah, I don't care what they think. It's what I want. Health and fitness are the most important thing to me. Jeez, Joseph Pilates himself was in amazing shape. He's 57 in this picture.

It's all a matter of what you want. What you want to achieve. I quote Mike Dooley in The Secret, "The hows are the domain of the Universe. It always knows the shortest, quickest, fastest most harmonious way between you and your dream." Dr Joe Vitale says, "If you turn it over to the Universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered to you. This is where the magic and miracles happen".

My dream has been to own my own fitness center. The universe knows what is entailed in that dream for me. I want certification in ACSM and Pilates. I want to own at least two cadillacs and six reformers. I would also like 6 pilates chairs. I want mirrors all around the room with a huge window to see out. I would like the walls to be brick and the floors wood. I would like the place to have an upstairs and downstairs. The upstairs would be where the yoga/pilates classes are held. The downstairs would have the equipment. I also want a yoga wall. I would like to travel to Australia, California, New York and other states to keep up on education. This is my dream. I will have the money I need for the Pilates certification by September this year. After receiving the training, I will probably work for other places first gaining more experience. I'm not sure how I will be able to attain all the equipment I want, but the Universe will open the doors for me, I just know it.

Where Were You

Where were you on September 11, 2001? What do you remember of that day and the days to follow? What were you doing? What was your initial response to the attacks?
I was driving to work at Cottonwood Hospital in the Endoscopy Unit in Murray Utah at the time. As I made my exit from the freeway I spotted a fellow worker walking away from her car. I could see something was wrong so I stopped and asked if she needed help. She was having problems with her car. We were only about 5 minutes away from the hospital so I offered her a ride. She thanked me and got into my car. I had been listening to a talk show hosted by Mick and Allen on the radio and there was a sense of something very devastating going on. They never sounded this distraught before. Something really bad has happened in New York. I didn't get the whole jist of what it was all about but as I entered the surgical waiting room of the hospital I soon learned what all the commotion was about. Live footage of the burning building in New York left all in the room wondering what on earth could have caused such a huge fire in a building so big. I didn't want to stop watching and go to work, but found as I entered the endo recovery room someone had already tuned the radio on to the story. We heard that the second tower was now hit and we all wanted to run down to were where the t.v.'s were to see what was going on. A plane had hit the second building and the first one was going down to the ground. A PLANE hit the building? Was the pilot hurt, or drugged or out of his mind. Did he fall asleep at the wheel? A PLANE hit the building! How did the other building catch fire. What on earth....??? We would trek down to where the t.v.'s were every so often. "What's going on?" Who could have done such a thing? Why?
When I got home from work I watched the news until I had to go to bed again. Every news station on t.v. was reporting about the World Trade Center Twin Towers crumbling like buildings made of cards. I had never even heard of the World Trade Center or the Twin Towers before. News reports showed people covered in dust, crying and scared, papers flying out of the buildings, people jumping out of the buildings, terror and confusion in New York City, nothing like this had ever happened in all of world history. New York restaurants and stores fronts were being plastered with posters of missing family members within hours of the disaster each with a hope someone had seen their loved one. The feeling of total chaos and devastation was something I had never witnessed in my life. Why? Why? Why?

In all this time, has that question ever really been answered? It's 2008, seven years after the "bombing" (so to speak). Speculation vs. facts. Has anybody given us a straight answer? My feelings following the attacks were that of............Please don't make any rash decisions, don't put our country at war, don't point a false finger, stay calm, don't make any rash decisions, find out WHY! I don't think they wanted to know the why. They looked for weapons of mass destruction but found none. No solid proof. But we went to war anyway, with a people who have been warring amongst themselves for years. What on earth was our president thinking? Did it ever occur that we'd never get out of war once it had started with a "warring people"? Does it matter that we are losing so many soldiers? And for what purpose? I hear mixed messages about it. Soldiers saying the people are glad we are there to save them from such a monster as Osama. The next report is from someone from Iraq cursing the U.S. for being there, causing such destruction and chaos.

Do we ever really "win" a war? How is this supposed to end? To what end? Their people don't seem to want to get along. They don't appear to want a structured government. If they don't want either of these two things, why are we fighting?

Oil anyone? Not the kind you put on your salad. Who stands to gain so much from this war? I don't feel it matters which person we elect for president, they are puppets. Our American citizens can elect someone but is a new president really going to bring peace to our country after that has happened? Is that even a possibility? We are a divided nation. Many of us who don't want anything to do with being a "killing" nation don't feel we can speak up and be heard. Like if we don't support our president in this war we aren't being true Americans. We lack the American Spirit of wanting freedom. Enslaving and killing another nation of people is not my idea of freedom for anyone. Taking what is on their land (oil) or just taking their land (Indians) is not right and can never have any true justification.

I don't feel safer in our airports. My son had to mail his cologne and toothpaste back to himself so he didn't have to throw them away, but he could take on a lighter! Gas prices are up to over $3.00 a gallon in some places. Before the war gas cost $1.89/gallon. Do you remember that? It wasn't that long ago. My government can now tap into my computer, my phone lines, read my mail any time they want because of the "Patriot Act" under the guise that I could be a "terrorist". We are losing our rights every day and our leaders are "leading the way". They aren't leaders. Eckhart Tolle is a "leader". Promoting peace and self awakening with his book A New Earth. So far he has been the only way that I've seen anyone pose a real change. The change from within. We all have power to do this. He says now is the time for the awakening. We are at crisis levels and must raise out of our beds and become aware of our surroundings, and of how our attitudes, beliefs and feelings affect the entire world. We as a people must speak up and voice how this is not only affecting us, but our fellow man both in America and Iraq.

Do you think that our president or other leaders lay in bed and ask themselves...........What have I done? Or, how are we going to get out of this? I don't think so. The only thing I can see that I have the power to do is to change my self and the person from within.

They have taken approximately 7.5 tons of steel recovered from the World Trade Center and cast it in the bow stem of a ship Christened USS New York LPD 21. The bow stem is the foremost section of the ship's hull on the water line.

The stairs that exited the World Trade Center onto Vessey Street are being moved and will eventually be placed as a memorial from 9/11.

A new building is currently being errected to replace the Twin Towers and it will be called The Freedom Tower

I thought I buried that

I had my three kids at home. 1984, 1986 and 1989. Girl, girl, boy. This is something that I don't bring up much. I have hidden knowledge of this under my pillow for safe keeping. A treasured fact about myself I only let out on safe and special occasions. When I know the person cannot hurt or try to destroy this sacred bit about me. But I have felt prodded today. Not to let this treasure out, but to let home birth and midwifery back into my life again.

And Aubrey was her name
A not so very ordinary girl or name
But who's to blame.................

Aub was born in Logan, Utah. It was a beautiful May morning with the smell of freshly mowed grass and sunshine in the background, and my husband played Bread's "Aubrey" on his guitar right after she was born. What a glorious day. What an awesome experience. My first baby........ I didn't know what sex the baby was. I didn't have an ultrasound to tell me. But late one night when Nate was still at work and I was up late with worry that it might be a boy (all the clothes I had were girl clothes, given with hopes of a female by my loving sisters and mother) I expressed to God my fears........what would I do, we were poor and I couldn't dress my boy in pink. And then I smelled perfume. Not a scent I wore. It couldn't be the old lady's in the apartment next to us or the couple below, it was after 11pm, who sprays cologne that late? It was a sign. A sign that I could stop worrying about dressing my son as a girl because I was carrying a girl. What a relief.

My midwife was over an hour away as she lived in Kaysville. We called and called to no avail. We couldn't reach her. We called Nates sister who called our labor teacher who reached my midwife in Salt Lake City, two hours away now. My midwife, Ronna Hand, hurt her arm and went to see a doc in SLC. When she finally arrived I was dilated to 7 and was in transition. She said she sped all the way to us. I didn't even know I was in "true labor". I pushed for over an hour. My seven pound, two ounce daughter was born. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and the experience was the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me.

That goes without saying for the birth experience of all my children.

I write about Aubs birth because she has been cajoling all kinds of memories out of me today. It's kind of felt like a stick in my side, poking and prodding. I haven't enjoyed the whole experience because it has also brought mixed feelings about some of the other things I thought I'd buried. Desires I put back in the far recesses of my bogged down head. Desires to help other women have the kind of birth they want. There was a time I really wanted to be a midwife. I could talk of nothing else during my childbearing years. I bought all kinds of books, read everything I could get my hands on. I was proud of myself for being able to "give birth" rather than have it taken from me.

My life has changed. I'm older and my children have grown. My nursing experiences take me into a world of the "molden years" (Nates form of the "golden years"). You think changing baby diapers is bad, try a 71 year old incontinent man who has a great appetite. It's no wonder I have a melancholy about me. I'm dealing in experiences closer to death and no hope than in looking ahead. I live with it too.

I've been revisiting my old stomping grounds of wanting to be a midwife today. I fled from it. Being a midwife and delivering babies at home seemed "scary" to me. I wasn't really afraid something would go wrong in my births, but it's different when it's you who are on the line to assist a woman to a safe delivery. And I didn't have the most promising experiences on the labor and delivery unit during nursing school. I aided a woman to the bathroom and was screamed at........."Don't you know she could have the baby in the toilet?" I've been called negligent and stupid for having my kids at home. I didn't want my home birth experiences made fun of and I knew that if I worked on a labor and delivery unit I would feel obliged to think and act on birth as I was "trained" to do. I would be obliged to follow doctors orders. Becoming a puppet wasn't in my plans.

Aub has shown me there is a way around all the objections I've had this whole time. But when I think of going back to school, and about carrying such a great responsibility, I must question if it is truly what I would want and enjoy. I'm not convinced.

I am proud of her and her own pursuits. I feel I've played a part in what she now holds dear in her own birth processes and pursuits in her dream of an upcoming career in midwifery. She shows me that all the stuff I've been talking about all these years has been heard. That I don't just talk and no one listens. I feel I've been an influence.

I am a tired woman. I don't think I'm too old, but I am not sure I have the energy to take on such a massive and important thing as midwifery now. I was headed in the exercise direction. And I'm not sure I want to put that down just yet. But it has been fun to see that I could pursue this if I wanted to. And I'm oh so proud that Aub has such a burning desire as I once did. I don't want it to be squelched for her as it has been for me these many years. More importantly, I am glad she has the baton for women in this nation to give birth rather than have it taken from them.

As Jack Nicholson might say............

This nation needs an enema..well, as far as birth goes!!!!!

Movie Ratings and My Own Opinion

I would like to say I am a movie conosour. I have been watching them for decades, forming opinions as I go along, and deciding which ones I want to see again and again. I've found through the years that my opinions can change quickly about a movie. For example, when I was very religious and made my stand about certain films, I didn't give "my" opinion, but based an opinion on what I was "supposed" to watch or enjoy. This was based on what someone else said I was "allowed" to watch or enjoy. Thus, I didn't like Terms of Endearment, even though the entire world found it incredibly funny and gut wrenchingly awesome enough to vote it an Academy Award winner in 1983, with eleven nominations and five Oscars. Why didn't I like it? Looking back, I have no clue. I watched it again after I decided to go back to my roots and take back the option of having my own opinion. I loved it, scratched my head about what I didn't like to begin with. It was probably because it had swearing in it, along with an old woman trying to make it with a retired astronaut or the fact that the parents would kick the kids out onto the porch so they could have sex and make yet another baby. All those "bad" things were probably why I chose to kick it out.

I didn't like the movie 300 the first time I saw it even though my eldest child fell in love with it. She loved the brawny and scantilly clad muscle men in it (this was what she told me she liked about it). Why didn't I like it? Because it was so violent (but I love Pulp Fiction). Because it showed killing in slow motion, blood spewing out so slow you could see where each drop landed. Because the wife, son and the wheat fields scenes came too close to copying one of my most loved movies The Gladiator. Because it seemed nuts that 300 men would stand to fight an incredibly huge army such as Persia's King Xerxes had, and believe they had a chance of winning. But I was camping last year and everyone went out to the lake to fish. I stayed behind and watched this movie again and found I really liked it. What changed my mind? Was it that so many others liked it? No, though I will admit others opinions do help form mine. It was because I saw the beauty of the way the movie was made. The choreography of the fight scenes done in slo-mo was now more amazing than threatening. The lighting was dim and almost bluish red so it gave the movie a "Roman" feel (even though it was Greek). And I have to admit seeing all those muscles was a nice change from what we normally get to see (scantilly clad women).

So I'm reading The Rolling Stone magazine and find in the January issue a film critics letter with a scathing memo printed to look like a letter inset sideways on the page addressed to the Academy. It is written and signed by a Peter Travers. I googled his name cuz I don't know who would dare have guts enough to use the "f" word when speaking to the Academy and find out he is the Rolling Stones film critic. I look up what movies he has critiqued and find that most of the movies he likes have some type of violence in them. For instance. He liked Kill Bill. I like Quentin Tarentino but the "Bill" movies hardly kept my interest. He liked Super Bad and Knocked Up. I loved Knocked up, but it seemed to me that they just thought the fat curly headed dude was so funny in Knocked Up for his blatent and cutting sense of humor that they went overboard and just let him fly off at the mouth in Super Bad. It was too much. I like frosting but too much of it makes me scrape it off the cake.

So what makes one opinion better than another? Like I said, Travers movie pics tend to be hard core with violence. He seems to "like" those type movies. I looked up Pride and Prejudice under Rotten Tomatoes, the web site Travers and a bunch of other critics display their wares and was amazed at the positive reviews most of the critics gave for this most beloved movie. Travers gave it 3/4 tomatoes. Not bad for one who runs with the violent. He also gave Pans Labyrinth 4/4 tomatoes and I have to agree with him (again some pretty violent parts in that movie....... so bad I have to turn my head in one scene). What an amazing movie. I followed it completely and don't speak Spanish. But he also gave the Pursuit of Happyness 3/4 tomatoes and I don't agree here. The movie is 94% sad and the last ten minutes has some happy. I bought it and wish I hadn't. I won't watch it again. It has been from such movies that we have adopted the watch it first then buy it if you like it motto. I also purchased Happy Feet, Blood Diamond and 23 basing those purchases on what others said about the movies as being "grrrrrrrrrrrreat". I feel I wasted my money and gave Blood Diamond away. New motto still stands...... watch then buy if you like it.

So why such a long blog on movies? I can't help it, I love movies. I would go out more if it didn't cost $9.00 a ticket. I would love to be on the cutting edge, watching before everyone else does so I could give my opinion first. I would also love to watch more foreign films, and films that no one knows about. Maybe when all I can do is lay in bed I will become the movie critic I want to be.

Future plans for movies........... The Atonement is next. It is the right stuff for Kiera Knightly (she creamed Domino). Just saw American Gangster. I liked it. Won't watch it again. I like Denzel Washington. He's cute and all but he plays his parts the same each time. He hits someone in the head without breaking a sweat or producing a wrinkle on that dreamy black face. Russell Crowe, however, can play it violent or sweet, he uses hair changes or accent changes to pull off his characters with something new each time. He is an amazing actor.

I also just saw Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Aub asked if Cate was Oscar worthy. Nah. But I love period films and will have both Elizabeths in my collection. The backdrops, sets and costumes are wonderful. Cate Blanchett is another amazing actress, and she was excellent in this movie. It isn't that she needed to play the part any better, but that the part itself didn't really demand an Oscar performance.

In my opinion, Reese Witherspoon shouldn't have won best actress last year. Amazing work to be able to pull off the character of June Carter Cash and do all the singing herself. Props to her. But, as far as acting goes, Felicity Huffman should have taken the Oscar in TransAmerica. I can't imagine how difficult it would be, being a woman, to play the part of a man readying to become a woman. Her vocal inflections and awkwardness, the way she carried herself, the costuming, even her body shape was so convincing. I can't imagine how difficult it was to think through the part, play it like a guy/girl/guy. Who can do such a thing and pull it off? Felicity did. Her "Acting" should have won her the Oscar. Why didn't she? Good question. Everyone has their own opinion. Travers opinion isn't going to make the Academy be anything other than what it has been. There will be more winners that shouldn't win. Disappointments like Felicity must have had. Movies getting ignored. It's all good. When it comes right down to it, you take what someone else says about a movie, put it on the back burner, watch for yourself and then form your own opinion. Then you share it on your blogspot.

Across the Universe

I have only a couple of minutes to say a couple of things about this movie.

EXCELLENT!!!!!! That's one thing. The other: Now I must purchase both the soundtrack and the movie. I want to write a novel about this film but I have only ten minutes to get out of here and go to work so I will write my novel later.

WOW! What a rush! I have waited for so long to see this film. I first saw the previews in the movie theatre and wrote down the title in the dark. I missed it on big screen and was really bumbed. I had plans to take my sis to see it when I was in Utah last and it wasn't playing anymore. It has been months since I saw the first preview and at last I my wait is over. I'll write my review later.

Losing stuff

I keep a running journal of my exercise, how I feel, how many push ups I do, how long my aerobics portion of the workout is etc. and was stupid enough to take my little book with me on my jaunts to the store. I wrote out my needed items from the store and the weeks menu in the pages of my little workout journal and now I can't find it. I'm in a contest at work to see who works out the most. I feel I'm a slacker because I can't give my last 4 weeks workout results due to the loss of my journal. I can't seem to think of anything else except finding it.

Aub is struggling with locating her cell phone. Little Clara carted it off leaving it alone to die, unable to sound an alarm as to it's whereabouts. Now I can't contact Aub except when Nate is home.

Nathan (my Nathan) has this uncanny problem with losing his keys, his measuring tape, his cell phone, his wallet. In fact, his father made comment about how funny it is that Nate will go and go and go fixing things or building things, but his worst problems is relocating his tools from the last time he set them down.

I use prayer alot to relocate things and believe it or not, most the time I find them. So I ask, why is it that god can help me find my keys, or my wallet, but I don't seem to get the needed answers for the things I feel are REALLY important. (Not that finding my keys isn't important, but it won't SAVE MY SOUL). I pray for my son all the time. I pray he will become more respectful, and start valueing his lungs and health. Then I start to wonder how god would answer this. Would it be by Whit having a real bad pneumonia, or losing a parent? I don't want those things to happen either. So I don't know how this prayer would be answered. I tend to wonder if I would like the actual way god would bring about this request.

God did answer a very important prayer, and Aub and Nate now have a new car. What a relief. It's so hard to hear about your childrens struggles and not be able to help them because they are too far away to lend a hand. What a feeling of frustration. Like a mother wolf looking at her pup with it's foot stuck in a trap, unable to help it. That's how I felt with when Aub and Nate had the issue with the car. So this very important prayer was answered.

Why does it seem these hangups in life take so much more time to answer than something that is as simple as relocating your keys or wallet?

Who knows?

Another One Flys the Coup

The carpet shows stains and needs to be cleaned. It's easier to see the dirt now that her dresser is gone. The sink area is devoid of make-up and hairspray. No curling irons in the drawers. Only left-over sparkles from the eye shadow I bought her a few Christmas's ago. I put some on my eyelids. It doesn't look as good on me as it does her. No pictures of Moulin Rouge or Parker cover the walls, only blank spots and holes.

I yelled at her for making a decision about moving before she included me and made her feel bad. I didn't mean to. I just wanted to be included in her life. She has always been so independent, it's been tough getting close to her sometimes. I didn't mean to discourage her independence. I am actually very proud of her and all the things she has done for herself.

She was home for a few minutes the other day and was so happy that now she may have a chance at a job closer to where she will live. I could see a sparkle in her eyes and recalled how she mentioned that my conversation about her move made her feel she was making the wrong decision, then the interview for the job in the Springs confirmed that she was going in the right direction. I congratulated her and said it must be a sign. From that point I knew she'd be gone.

I didn't think it would come this fast. Only yesterday my Winker was sucking her thumb and dancing in my checkered skirt. Didn't she just graduate from Junior High? All those beautiful dance dresses that only a month ago I moved into her closet from mine are now with her in her new home. Her new home away from home.

I knew it was coming. She was hardly ever home. I hope she doesn't stay away forever.

I love you Heather and will miss having you live with me.

Mom